Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
