So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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