Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
