Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
