If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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