We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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