I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
