I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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