a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
