The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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