she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
