she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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