I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
