I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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