actually, I'm a sock model
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i out mim tonsoeep
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
