I think my fart just growled at me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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