We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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