Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.