Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable