i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.