Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
