Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
