Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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