Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
