Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
