i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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