I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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