Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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