there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
