You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
