I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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