Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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