Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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