I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
