So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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