I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize