He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
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They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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