i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
