he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
