He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
