I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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