I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
