I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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