i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
two words: eviction party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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