I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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