I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
