i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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