i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
