five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
