theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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