god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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