Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
