Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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