All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
