Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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