is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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