I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
